Whatever I’m feeling I’ve felt it before and I don’t like it

It’s hard to define it.  I normally get it when I haven’t gotten much rest, or enough food.  I’m out of balance and need some sort of counterweight to keep me from falling over.  I lie.  It’s not that it’s hard to define.  I just don’t wanna write it.  But we all know what I’m talking about.

I could just deal with it like I always have:  let time pass by and know that this too will do the same.  However, in this mood state, I come to grips with other deficiencies of mine.  I’m sure I’ve written about it and talked about it with the few on more than one occasion. 

One, I don’t talk much anymore.  At least I don’t think I do.  When it comes to social interaction, I do best when the other person is talking.  I’m not a big sharer of conversation, and it’s not that I’m selfish.  I just don’t have much to share, or I can’t think of anything that would be comparable to shared story.  Perhaps it’s a reflection of my sheltered life, as sad as that may be being as old as I am.

Two, in relation to aforementioned one, I don’t hang out with anyone much anymore.  Though this has been a lifelong problem of mine.  Everywhere I went I had a “sponsor.”  This “sponsor” would be the one to invite me to gatherings and would connect me to the social world.  Jonathan Wandag, Sean Stewart, Jeff James, Bobby McMillian and to lessening extent Luis Walters, whether they know it or not, linked me to the social world.  And without them, I possibly would have been more of a poor prince than I am now.  As of late I am without a link, and must either force myself to be social, or continue as a wandering hermit.

Three, I’m becoming less and less concerned about my asocial tendencies, which really a symptom in itself.  I’m coming back to a previously mentioned issue that I thought I had, then dumped, and now think I have again:  learned helplessness.  A less extreme label would be learned apathy, but they can be interchangeable.  You try and you try and nothing’s happened so you don’t try at all, is the overall gist of it.

I’m being lazy.  Either I need to find myself another “sponsor,” or adapt and overcome.  That’s the cycle I constantly struggle with.  I’m sure I’m not alone, and must find strength from others who suffer the same malady.  I’ll figure this out one way or another, or sink back into my shell.  I have to figure this shit out.

About Errol

In order of importance: Father, Husband, Aspiring writer, Graduate student, U.S. Air Force veteran.

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